disillusionment

I am beginning to understand that to have any kind of impact on anything or become known in any kind of circle requires a fantastically huge ego. who believes that their thoughts are worth more than another's - this seems to demand a plateau of self-importance. many times as a student I would sit there and think, I have something to contribute to this discussion, or I know a thing about this, but nobody fucking cares. I stayed silent. I was always trying to communicate it nonverbally, though, this knowing - with eyes or vigorous nods. in my education I have had approximately two teachers I wanted to impress. at least I think I must have - I only actually remember one.

I now know what it feels like to be good at something I don't particularly like to do. before this year I would abandon anything I didn't feel a natural interest for, happy to claim even disinterest as a kind of negative identity. somehow I have become someone who learns everything, omnivorously, and loses a kind of stubbornness in the process. I never respected superiors, not really - they all seemed to be collections of purposeless rules, habits that had fit them and which they subsequently pressed upon the world. if someone accused me of the same thing today, I wouldn't know what to tell them to explain myself.

it's all temporary, I'd say. or something else lame and shuffling.

the other day I had a thought: all teachers ultimately strive to shape students into little models of themselves. then I thought, someone else has undoubtedly explored this idea. then I remembered pygmalion. wasn't it about a teacher and student, or something?

no, I'm not going to come to the point; I will not conform to any traditional structure or semblance of form, beyond using words themselves. I am tired of squishing everything into a little frame, TV-like figures moving around in a comical universe, performing quick scene changes and having miniature revelations.