graphomania

so many times I sit down in front of this "post" window and find myself trying to describe my state of mind. it's a total crapshoot. there was an article in the last new yorker about how people keep diaries because they feel guilty/less of a person if they don't; I keep too many diaries and feel pleased with myself if I can suppress my compulsion for short amounts of time. now I am writing about writing in diaries. I just misspelled it "dairies". now I am typing a sentence about the typo that I erased. this is my train of thought. now I am thinking of how to segue into the next paragraph. I think, it's a blog, no one cares about the flow of it. then I think, my wondering how to make a segue could itself be the segue.

seriously though - if you could make one of those pie charts of my head, these thoughts/ideas would take up the main portions:

1. art is artifice. how can you make it feel like anything but total fakery? sometimes you feel alive while reading, but only delusional people actually think that vicariously experiencing something in a story has any meaning in real life.

2. my god, this country is so wealthy. in other parts of the world? very little shit. here, we have too much shit.

3. words are not actual things.

3b. so, what the fuck are they?

4. I am pretentious and all my interests are divergent from almost all practical activity.

4b. because of the truth in point No. 2, I am free to pursue ideas instead of sustenance-earning activities. I feel grateful but also insecure about this.


etc etc etc.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/graphomania


my plans in january include not looking at anything I've written in the past few months, and maybe taking up a new hobby, like belly dancing or drag racing. in february I am getting the fuck out, for a week, to NYC.